Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
