The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
