Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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