did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize