clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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