At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
