I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
