I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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