In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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