so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
