hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
