So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
