All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
