Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
