your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
