More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
