Even the bartender felt bad for me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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