god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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