Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
