WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
