drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
