My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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