her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize