Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
