he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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