i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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