you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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