I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
