Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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