I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We were destined to go to rehab together
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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