It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
