I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
