OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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