I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
