I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
