i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Randomize
