My nipple is on Facebook.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
