there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
