did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This baby is an asshole
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
