I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
YAS. BRING CRAB.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize