I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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