why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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