Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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