Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your dad touched me again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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