he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
