they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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