definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize