Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
