Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
