Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
