I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
