"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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