Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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