Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
