i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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