remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
