I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
