I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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