You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
