Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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