She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
