John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize