Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Houston, we have a blender
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
