Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm like, not good at living.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
