i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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