ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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